Plagues of the Heart
by xxchompchompchompxx
Summary: 'Do not condemn her to a life of misery' Violets words hit home with Matthew Written in both Mary and Matthew POVs... Matthew and Mary are the couple that will never be over, despite how hard Richard try to prevent it.
1. Chapter 1

Lavinia had been taken from us by the Spanish flu and somehow Matthew had decided that we had killed her. I couldn't believe my ears when he had told me that we were cursed and could never be happy. I felt tears prick my eyes as Richard walked me back up to the house and away from Matthew.

'Mary, are you quite alright?' he asked me and I nodded.

'Perfectly fine Richard,' I said, forcing a smile on my face, 'I guess I am just emotional from having lost a dear friend. She did not deserve to die so young.' I lied and Richard nodded and drew me into a hug.

'She was a lovely girl and would've made a great wife to Matthew, just like you will make a good wife for me.' Richard stated and I stiffened in his arms.

'Please Richard; let us not discuss our happiness when Matthew's has been taken away from him so mercilessly. It does not sit right with me and I do not like feeling that way,' I said softly and Richard nodded and, in silence, he escorted me back towards the house.

When we arrived back at Downton, Carson took my coat and hat and we all retired to the drawing room where we all shared our memories of Lavinia. About 10 minutes later, Matthew entered the room and Papa stood up and greeted him with a hug.

'I'm so sorry my boy,' he said and I glanced at Matthew. He looked so full of grief and there was an element of guilt and I knew it was because of our kiss.

'If you don't mind, cousin Robert, I would like to retire to my bedroom and I would like it very much if I wasn't disturbed,' Matthew requested and Papa nodded.

'Of course Matthew, we completely understand. If you need anything, just ask,' he said, smiling kindly at Matthew. I watched Matthew nod graciously at Papa before leaving.

'The poor man,' Richard stated, 'well I suppose he will find another woman to replace her soon enough,' he said, sipping some sherry and everyone stared at him in shock. I blinked at my fiancé.

'Richard! How can you be so crude as to say that! We all loved Lavinia! She was one of my truest friends and we all came to love her very much. She would have made a fine mistress of Downton and we all know it. Matthew is hurting and you speak of Lavinia as if she is just a woman that did not matter to him.' I cried at him in frustration and Richard gave me a hard, angry look before blinking it away and maintaining a cool composure.

'I am sorry Mary, I did not mean for my words to come about in such a harsh manner. I only meant to put the point across that although your cousin has lost a very fine woman, he will be strong enough to move on at some point in his life.' Richard said and the atmosphere was so tense that it could be cut with a knife. No one spoke until Richard declared that it was time for him to depart back to London, 'Mary, would you please accompany me to the door so that I may bid you farewell,' he asked me and I stood up.

'Very well Richard,' I said, standing up and walking with him. We walked down the corridors before he grabbed my arm and threw me into one of the spare bedrooms, 'What is the meaning of this Richard!' I cried, rubbing my arm that was now throbbing with pain.

'When you are my wife Mary, you will not speak to me like that ever, do you understand!' he growled at me and I scoffed.

'You are angry at me because I told you off for speaking poorly of Matthew and Lavinia! You should be the one who is ashamed.' I said angrily before he smacked me around the face, but I did not drop or cry before him.

'You have given me the power to destroy you Lady Mary and do not think for a second that I will not use it to my advantage. I do not care if you or Miss Swire were in fact friends, it does not alter the fact that I know you still have feelings for Matthew Crawley. He will never love you Mary, do you not see that! In fact he turned you away coldly, calling you cursed I believe,' he said to me menacingly and I swallowed.

'How did you…'

'Do not deem me to be deaf my dear, I heard the entire conversation. You were no friend to Lavinia Swire if you went and kissed her fiancé. And whatever scenario you have conjured up in your mind, it will never happen. Matthew will not love you Mary, not now that he blames you for Lavinia giving up on life. You are the reason Lavinia is dead in his mind and nothing will ever change that,' Richard said to me cruelly and this time I let a tear drop down the side of my face, 'well would you look at that, the cold and imperturbable Lady Mary does cry.' He taunted before leaving me in the bedroom and walking out. As soon as I heard him leave, I burst into tears, crying away all my sorrows and realisations at the truth of Richards words. I laid down on the bed and cried into the pillows, my heart breaking into a million shards that could only be fixed by one person. But I knew that it would never happen so I would most definitely have a broken heart for the rest of my life. Only when I had cried out all my tears did I feel that someone was standing in the doorway. I removed my face from the pillow and turned my head slowly and saw that Matthew stood there, looking shocked.

'What do you want Matthew?' I snarled, 'have you come to see the cold and cruel Lady Mary cry, or have you come to rub it in my face more that I am to marry a man who does not love me or care for me in any way. Or maybe you've just come to tell me again that I was the one who killed Lavinia.'

Matthew looked me in the eyes with a now hardened expression.

'Actually, I heard crying Lady Mary and I was shocked to see it were you. But I'll be on my way now,' Matthew said before leaving. I vowed to myself it was better that I detach myself from Matthew and learn to hate him as it would be easier on me for when I lived my life as Richard's wife.

* * *

><p>The next morning, Matthew joined us for breakfast and I refused to look at him or converse with him. He did seem in slightly better spirits as he conversed with us, but I did not speak with him aside from bidding him good morning. I talked to Edith and Granny mainly and when breakfast was over, I excused myself immediately and walked past Matthew, without giving him a sideways glance. I felt his eyes follow me as I left the breakfast room. Anna dressed me in my grey, quite tight fitting riding wear and I dismissed her as I knew she wanted to go and visit Bates before the trial began in a few weeks. I walked down the stairs, bumping straight into Matthew.<p>

'Lady Mary, I didn't see you there…' he started.

'Don't apologise cousin Matthew, the fault is no ones. Now if you'll excuse me I am late for my riding session,' I said, trying not to melt under his gaze. I straightened my hat and made a move to walk on but he gently took hold of my arm and I winced where he touched the place where Richard had grabbed me. Matthew had obviously noticed because he let go of me immediately.

'Mary, did I hurt you,' he gasped and I shook my head.

'No Matthew, I bashed my arm this morning and it is a little tender and when you touched it…' I trailed off and he looked horrified.

'I'm so sorry Mary, I didn't mean to hurt you,' he apologised. I internally laughed… he was apologising for hurting me physically and not mentally.

'It's quite alright, now if you'll excuse me.' I said but Matthew wouldn't let me pass.

'Mary, I want to talk to you.' He said softly but I shook my head.

'I have no time to spare you a moment today I'm afraid.'

'Surely your riding can wait?' he pleaded and I laughed.

'No Matthew, no it can't. Now why don't you hurry along and leave me be.' I said, trying to ignore the guilt I felt at being so cruel to him. I pushed past him and walked briskly towards the stables. My favourite horse, Brambles, was ready and waiting for me, so I mounted her and galloped around the estate. It was the only time I felt free, I was free from Richard Carlisle, my engagement, my love for Matthew, my duty as a woman, my life. I slowed Brambles down to a trot before stopping at the lakes. My cheeks were pink from the cold air biting into my skin and my brown locks of hair were loose and messy. The water looked so still, so clear and so refreshing, it was so tranquil and I couldn't help but feel like jumping into it, hoping it would wash away and still all the turbulence going on in my own life. I dismounted Brambles, tied her to the tree with enough leash that she could graze, and walked over to the lake. I felt like jumping in and was close to stripping off my outer clothes but I was interrupted by someone calling my name.

'Mary?'

I turned around and saw Matthew sitting on a log just behind me, looking speechless. How had I not noticed him before?

'Cousin Matthew, what are you doing here?'

'I came out for a walk; I stumbled across this place just after… just after Lavinia died and I come here when I need to think. What are you doing here?'

'I… I just arrived.' I managed to say, stumbling over my words.

'I saw,' he said softly and I noticed that he couldn't bring himself to look at me, 'I heard you defend me yesterday night when I left the drawing room and I want to thank you. It meant a lot to me and I'm sure it would have meant a lot to Lavinia.' He said, staring out at the lake.

'Well you're welcome Matthew. I will probably be on my way now and I shall see you perhaps back at the house.' I smiled sadly at him, taking in his drawn expression. The light and passion had gone from his eyes and he was like a ghost, a man with no soul left.

'No, let me accompany you Mary. I could do with someone to walk back to Downton with.' He said, forcing a smile at me and I nodded.

'Very well, but it will be quicker if we ride Brambles,' I said and Matthew looked at me.

'Mary, I am not agile enough to ride and she cannot carry us both!'

'How little faith you have in me cousin Matthew, Brambles is young and strong. I weigh next to nothing so I know he can carry us,' I said sharply and Matthew silenced himself before I helped him mount Brambles. I carried his cane with me as I mounted Brambles too and before long, I had us back at Downton in no time at all.

RxR please :D I'm doing one chapter Mary POV, next chapter Matthew POV :D


	2. Chapter 2

When we arrived back at Downton, I knew I had to talk to Mary more. You see, it wasn't that I had just heard her defend me in the drawing room. I had heard her entire argument with Sir Richard that followed it, since they had been arguing in the room right next to my own. I needed to clear the air with Mary as it really made me realise how I had made Mary feel. To make her think that she was to blame for Lavinia's death and that we were cursed was wrong of me to say and I had basically given her fiancé something he could use to his advantage to emotionally torture her.

'Mary, we really need to talk…' I started but she shook her head.

'Not now Matthew, I need to change out of my riding clothes,' she said before wordlessly sweeping her fragile frame up the stairs and out of sight. I sighed, knowing that she was trying to avoid me. But I needed to find out what was going on, so I followed her. I knocked on her bedroom door and opened it slightly.

'Mary?' I called out and I peeked around the corner, to see that she was not there. I sighed before retiring to my own room.

It was the evening the next time I saw Mary and Sir Richard had returned, claiming that he would rather spend time with his fiancé rather than at work and I decided to watch how the two interacted, because something just wasn't right, I could feel it in my bones.

'We need some entertainment!' Cousin Robert cried out, breaking me from my thoughts. I glanced over at Mary and her fiance and noticed that Sir Richard was watching me.

'Mary would be delighted to entertain, I'm sure,' he said, smirking at me, 'my beautiful fiancé has the most wonderful voice,' Richard said and I looked at Mary who glared daggers at Richard and I watched him push Mary up, 'Edith, go and accompany Mary,'

Edith stood up and walked over to the large harp in the corner of the room and Mary followed her, drifting pass me. She smelt of lavender and she walked so gracefully, carrying herself with pride that I could not take my eyes off of her. Edith began to play and Mary began to sing, her voice so enchanting it put a spell on me almost immediately.

'_Are you going to Scarborough Fair?  
>Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme<br>Remember me to one who lives there  
>He once was a true love of mine<em>

Tell him to make me a cambric shirt  
>Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme<br>Without no seams nor needle work  
>Then he'll be a true love of mine<p>

_Tell him to find me an acre of land,_

_Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme_

_Between salt water and the sea strands_

_Then he'll be a true love of mine_

Tell him to reap it with a sickle of leather  
>Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme<br>And gather it all in a bunch of heather  
>Then he'll be a true love of mine<p>

Are you going to Scarborough Fair?  
>Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme<br>Remember me to one who lives there  
>He once was a true love of mine'<p>

Everyone clapped at her performance, including myself and she curtseyed before everyone before humbly sitting down next to Richard, who placed a hand on her knee and kissed her cheek. Suddenly I got up and walked over to the window. Their affection reminded me of what Lavinia and I would have had when we married. Suddenly I felt a presence behind me and turned to see Cousin Violet standing there.

'Cousin Violet,' I smiled at her.

'Do not pretend that you a hurt by what you see Matthew,' she said and I opened my mouth to talk but she cut me off, 'I was watching you back there and you could not take your eyes off Mary. You know as well as I that the spark between you has not gone and although you may try to deny it, we both know you are in love with Mary. I cannot really tell you about love, for I married to keep the nobility in my family, my son following in my footsteps. Luckily enough he managed to find love with Cora but after a year of marriage. When you look at Mary and Sir Richard, do you see love? Do you see happiness?' she asked me and I turned to look at them and suddenly it became evidently clear that Mary was not as happy as I thought she was. She sat stiffly next to Richard with a forced smile on her face and her eyes gave away that she wanted to be as far away from him as possible.

'No, I…'

'Do not live in the past Matthew, Miss Swire was a lovely girl and we were all very fond of her but while you may think that she was the one giving everything up for you, it was Mary who sat beside you whilst you were not in a fit state of mind, it was she that cleared all your wounds, mopped up all your blood when you first arrived, she was there all the time. Do not condemn her to a life of misery Matthew, only you can change that. She has suffered enough, and if she marries Richard, she will suffer her whole life because he has her under his control, Mary tells me everything.'

'What has she suffered? How is she under his control! What is going on?' I gasped; firing questions at her and Violet smiled sadly at me and shook her head.

'It is not my place to tell you I'm afraid, Matthew, but I can tell you that the reason she is suffering is the same reason as why she rejected you. She did not care for money, or titles, she cared about you and Sir Richard knows. She is trapped,' she said before patting my shoulder and returning to the chattering crowd in the room. I sighed and followed her before engaging myself in conversation with Edith.

'Dinner is ready m'lord,' Carson's voice boomed suddenly, making me jump and we all got up and went to the dining room. I had been seated next to Mary and she acted as if I wasn't there, talking only to Richard, her parents and cousin Violet.

'Why do you love her?' Edith asked me quietly and I looked at her, ignoring the cheery laughs of the others at the dinner table.

'What?' I said, looking at her with shock.

'I must speak with you later cousin Matthew,' Edith said before smiling and striking up a conversation with Sybil.

Edith kept true to her word and asked me to join her in the library and I saw Mary glance suspiciously at her as she shut the door.

'Why do you love her?' she repeated and I half laughed before realising that she was entirely serious.

'I do not love Mary, Cousin Edith. Not anymore,' I said but I knew inside that I was lying to not only Edith but also to myself.

'Cousin Matthew, I have seen the way you look her, especially when she sang. Mary is engaged, you cannot give her hope,' Edith said and I narrowed my eyes.

'I have not given Mary any hope Edith, none at all. In fact, I told her nothing could ever happen between us at Lavinia's funeral and she agreed with me. I told her that we were cursed and I could never be happy. I will honour Lavinia, even if it means that I never marry and produce an heir to Downton.' I snapped and Edith raised her eyebrows.

'I do not care for your lies to me Matthew, only for the lies you tell yourself. But I must warn you that Mary is not the person she makes out to be, she has a large web of secrets underneath her cool composure and icy exterior. I fear she will be like a caged butterfly in her marriage to Sir Richard,' Edith said.

'A caged butterfly?' I questioned and she nodded.

'Mary, with no doubt, is definitely the daughter that has the best looks and she has many suitors. But she also is headstrong and wild, although many do not see it. She cannot be contained and she will drive herself to insanity if she remains in the controlling relationship she has with Carlisle,' Edith sighed, 'so I will ask again, why do you love her?'

I struggled to find words, 'because she's my Mary,' I whispered and Edith smiled.

'Then don't let her get away,' Edith grinned and I nodded before returning to the drawing room with her. Mary was sitting on the sofa stiffly, looking a little pale which concerned me as her complexion was similar to what Lavinia had had.

'Lady Mary, are you quite alright?' I asked, biting my lip slightly.

'Actually, I'm feeling a bit under the weather. Perhaps it was the pheasant we had for dinner, I must have got the off part. If you'll excuse me,' Mary stood up but almost fell over. Richard pulled her back down.

'Mary, you must not leave, it would be very impolite,' he said and I frowned as I watched her resume her position next to Richard. Everyone exchanged glances of concern and worry and I sat as close as I could to Mary, just keeping an eye on her. After half an hour of watching her try to remain awake and fight off what looked like a terrible headache, I stood up.

'I am going to escort Mary to her room because I don't know about anyone else, but I am concerned for her health.' I said firmly, walking over to Mary and helping her up. She could barely stand and her knees gave way onto me almost immediately. I bent down and picked her up so she lay in my arms like a bride.

'Mr Crawley, I should be the one to escort my fiancé to her room,' Richard said to me, his eyes gleaming with anger.

'I'm sure it will be ok for me to take her, Edith, will you accompany me please?' I said and Edith jumped up and opened the doors for me as I carried Mary to her room. She was shivering now and her skin was very hot and I was extremely worried. 'Edith, call for Doctor Clarkson,' I ordered and she hastily ran out as I sat down beside Mary.

'Don't worry Mary,' I whispered, 'everything will be fine,' I said holding her hand, 'Dr Clarkson will be here soon and he'll make you well again,'

'Really Matthew, I just need a bit of sleep and I shall be right as rain,' she said, laughing weakly.

'Mary…' I started but we were suddenly interrupted by people bursting into the room and I instinctively dropped her hand.

'Dr Clarkson is on his way Mary, he should be with us shortly,' Cousin Cora said, taking the seat beside me. Edith handed me my cane and I smiled gratefully at her before looking back at Mary who was pale and weak. Richard was also present and stood awkwardly at the foot of the bed.

'Well what's the matter with her?' he asked and Cora sighed.

'We don't know Sir Richard, that's why Dr Clarkson is on his way and if anyone can find out what is wrong with her, he can,' Cora said softly and Richard sat beside Mary and took her hand and kissed it.

'Get well soon my darling,' he said softly and I noted his iron grip on her hand and the lack of emotion her face had in it. Moments passed before Clarkson entered.

'First off, I need everybody except two of you out of the room please, so choose amongst yourselves who will go and who will stay,' Clarkson said and just as Richard opened his mouth to speak, Mary's voice could distinctly be heard.

'Matthew,' The whole room went silent and I became very aware of people's eyes gazing at me. I looked at Mary, who licked her dry lips and inhaled deeply, all the while keeping her eyes closed, 'Matthew and Mother,' she said and Clarkson clapped his hands.

'Lady Mary has made her choice, now I would kindly ask that you all please leave the room,' Clarkson said and I resumed my actions of taking Mary's hands as Clarkson examined her.

'Well Clarkson?' Cora asked, holding her daughter's other hand.

'I'm afraid it's not good news Lady Grantham,' he sighed, 'it appears that Lady Mary has come down with the Spanish Flu. She has an accelerated pulse rate, she's showing symptoms and Mary was around the late Miss Swire a lot and she may have contracted the disease through her but it has just taken its time to show. The disease itself is tricky, it can be slow or quick to progress and can get better or worse within hours. My colleagues and I suspect it has something to do with a person's immune system because, from the persons we have seen with the Spanish flu, the younger ones tend to pass on. The stronger their immune systems, the higher chance of death because they go into overdrive and just give out. Mr Crawley, I would suggest that you be very careful,' Clarkson said and I felt the blood drain from my face. I couldn't go through this again. Losing Lavinia had been a great loss and had filled me with guilt but deep down I knew that it had been Mary I always loved, that was why I had kissed her, that was why I was with her now, 'you were right to call me in. We must hope for the best and pray that Lady Mary's life will not be claimed.'

'Thank you Clarkson, go out and tell the others and I will have a room made up for you. Do not let my daughter die Dr Clarkson,' Cora said and Clarkson sighed.

'I'm sorry my Lady, but I don't have the power over life or death, I'm afraid,' he said before leaving, Cora following behind.

'Matthew,' Mary said, her voice sounding similar to Lavinia's, raspy and weak as if her throat were closing up.

'I'm here Mary,' I whispered.

'Don't leave me, please don't leave me. I couldn't bear to die alone,' she said, a tear rolling down her cheek and I shook my head and gripped her hand tighter.

'I will never leave you Mary,' I whispered and I pressed my lips to her hand, 'just don't give up and fight this, you're strong and I believe in you.'

RxR please :D was pretty sad I only got 1 review. If you want to listen to the song is 'Scarborough Fair' by Amy Nuttall :3


	3. Chapter 3

When Dr Clarkson announced I had Spanish Flu, I immediately felt worse. I was headed the same way as dear Lavinia, down in the cold dark earth in a casket, not even to reach the age of 26. The only comfort I got from this was that I would escape a oppressing marriage to Richard where I would effectively feel as if I was buried.

My limbs felt as though they were on fire and my throat felt like it was closing up. Tears welled up in my eyes as I realised the seriousness of the situation. 'Don't leave me, please don't leave me. I couldn't bear to die alone,' I told Matthew, forcing the words out as a tear rolled down my cheek. I hated letting my emotions show at the best of times but this one could not be helped. Matthew gripped my hand tighter and I felt somewhat safe.

'I will never leave you Mary, just don't give up and fight this, you're strong and I believe in you,' he told me, kissing my hand. But I knew in my heart I had already given up. I had never felt so ill in my life and I didn't want him catching this disease.

'Matthew, you mustn't come too close to me, I may pass it on to you.'

'I don't care, I'd rather be next to you and make sure you are safe, than leave your side and let you die,' he told me and I tried to laugh but it came out as a cough. I felt my stomach lurch and looked at Matthew.

'I think I'm going to be sick,' I said and Matthew held out a bowl and I vomited into it, blood emerging in it. It was then I realised that I was still in my evening wear and only hours ago I had sung and hadn't felt ill in the slightest. This influenza was so quick to react, I wondered if it was just as quick to claim lives, like it had with Lavinia. Matthew whispered soothing words in my ear but I did not listen, 'Matthew, help me out of these clothes,' I wheezed and he nodded and unbuttoned my dress, closing his eyes as he helped me change into a nightgown. As soon as I was under the covers, I felt so much weaker. I closed my eyes and retook Matthew's hand in my own and I felt him squeeze my hand. Suddenly Clarkson re-entered with Mama and Edith and they didn't question as to why I was in a different outfit, they only sat with me.

As time passed I felt myself slip away into a state of madness. I didn't know who I was, all I knew was that my body were on fire, I could hardly breath, I was vomiting and my nose was bleeding constantly. I was vaguely aware that people were around me, one was next to me holding my hand, another was beside me crying and another was talking to someone. I tried to open my eyes but all I saw was white and I felt blind. I started screaming with frustration and crying with despair. I just wanted this pain to end I just wanted to sleep.

RxR please :3

I know its short but not much you can do with Mary when she's like this. AN HOUR LEFT TILL THE CHRISTMAS SPECIAL! SO EXCITED! SQUEEEEEEE :D


	4. Chapter 4

**A/n: best moment of the Christmas special was the last two minutes… it wasn't as great as I expected tbh :/ but still MARY AND MATTHEW ARE ENGAGED :D now on with the story ^^**

I watched Mary thrash around, her body soaked with sweat and her mouth speaking incoherent words and it pained me to watch her. She was obviously in a lot of pain, worse than her mother was when she was ill but not yet dead like Lavinia. I couldn't bear to even imagine that, Mary and I well we were made for each other. Then it hit me like a tonne of bricks, Mary and I were made for each other and that was why I loved her, she was the yin to my yang and Lavinia, whilst she was a sweet girl and I had loved her passionately, she was not Mary. The love I had for Mary was raw and ferocious, it ran through my very veins, it was the reason my heart raced just being in her presence and I mentally kicked myself because it had taken me two years away from her, a war, a fiancé and a deadly disease for me to realise it. I decided then and there, I would not let Mary die… I wouldn't have her taken from me. I grasped her hand tightly as she vomited and blood trickled continuously from her nose. Cousin Cora was crying as she watched her poor daughter thrash before her and more people entered the room, Cousin Robert and Carlisle.

'How is she?' Robert asked and I looked at him with sadness in my eyes.

'Not well I'm afraid Cousin Robert… she's taken a turn for the worst in the last half hour,' I said softly and suddenly we all jumped as a piercing scream emitted from Mary and I watched in despair as she began to cry and scream whilst writing around.

'The important question is, will she die?' Carlisle asked Clarkson. Whether his interests were in Mary or not I couldn't make out, all I knew was that he had had the courage to ask the question that was on everyone's mind. Clarkson sighed and looked at everyone individually.

'The disease is complex, if she pulls through the night and doesn't get worse, I believe she will survive but there is an equal chance that she will get worse, in which case, she will succumb to the illness. I would prepare yourselves for the worst and try to get some sleep. There isn't much more I can do for Lady Mary I'm afraid. She's at the stage where she is haemorrhaging, which is why her nose is bleeding, but I would suggest someone stay with her to make sure she is kept cool. That was we can try to reduce the fever.' Clarkson stated and the atmosphere darkened as we all looked at Mary who was now still but still sweating profusely.

'I shall stay with her,' Richard stated and I looked at him in shock, as well as many others, 'she is my fiancée and I want to be with her.' He said, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. We all nodded, including myself, and as I tried to remove my hand from her iron grip, she only tightened it further and she opened her eyes and muttered one word, clear and loud enough for everyone to hear.

'Stay.'

I felt Richard's angry gaze burning into my head and I resumed my seat beside Mary and looked at Cousin Cora, forcing down a blush and she smiled a knowing smile at me and I broke my eye contact with her to look at Mary. I was vaguely aware that everyone had now left the room and I was alone with Mary.

'Don't give up Mary, you will get through this,' I whispered, sponging her white forehead and wiping away the blood from her nose.

'Matthew,' she wheezed.

'I'm here darling,' I said, sitting up straight and she tightened her grip on me.

'I'm sorry,' she began to cry and shiver at the same time and I looked at her shocked.

'Why whatever for?'

'For causing Lavinia to give up,' she sobbed weakly.

'Mary, I cannot forgive you because you do not need my forgiveness. It is I who needs yours! It is not your fault, neither it mine for Lavinia's death. She wouldn't want us to feel this way.' I said, sponging her head with cold water again.

'My body… it hurts so much… I feel like – like I'm on fire and I can't put myself out. I just want it to stop,' she began to cry again and I reached out to touch her shoulder but her skin was so hot, it almost burnt me.

'Don't give up Mary… you can survive this,' I whispered and she opened her eyes as far as she could to look at me.

'I don't know how much longer before I go back into a state of madness so I'll say it now,' she rasped, licking her dry cracked lips, 'I don't know how much longer I can withstand this torture… while the pain may have dulled slightly and I am not so delirious, I just want you to know I shall try, I shall try to beat it but if I don't…,' her voice had been getting quieter and weaker and her eyes were once again shut as if she were talking in her sleep. She was now so quiet, I had to really listen in order to hear her, 'just let me tell you that I love you Matthew, I always have and always will,' she whispered before going still.

I almost had to double take and make sure I had heard that joyous saying properly. Mary loved me! She still loved me! Only when it dawned on me that Mary was lying limp and unconscious in her bed did I become frantic, my bliss being snatched away from me. Well I wouldn't let her go! I refused! I held her wrist and let out a sigh of relief to find a faint and weak pulse there. It was beating erratically because of the fever but it gave me the hope that she was still alive. Before I knew it, it was dawn and there was a knock on the door and Mary's maid Anna poked her head around the door.

'I think it's really time that you got some sleep Sir,' Anna said, 'I will watch over her ladyship,' she tried smiling but it didn't reach her eyes.

'No, I want to be here Anna, personally I believe you should take the day off and go and see your poor husband. I am so sorry to hear that he has been most unjustly accused of murder,' I said to her and she nodded.

'I know that I ought to but Lady Mary is the reason I am married to him, she is my only friend in this wretched world and I would like to remain with her,' Anna said and I gave her a weak smile.

'Then please, join me. Mary has been asleep for the past 5 hours and I've kept her fever down as much as possible. Hopefully she will recover,' I said, chewing the inside of my mouth. It wasn't long before Clarkson arrived and inspected Mary.

'It's good news,' he said, telling myself, Anna, Cousin Cora and Cousin Robert, who had entered the room shortly after Clarkson, 'Lady Mary's symptoms have gone down as quickly as they came but she is not out of the warzone just yet I'm afraid. We'll have to monitor her for the next few days because the flu could just escalate again and if that happens, we may not be having a happy discussion I'm afraid. If mine and my colleagues theory of the flu attacking the immune system is correct then Lady Mary's is currently exhausted from fighting the disease. She needs rest and no pressure or stress. From what I've seen, it is clear that Mr Crawley is Lady Mary's comfort and therefore I strongly recommend that he remain with her with Anna to help during the night so that he may sleep.'

'And what of her fiancé Sir Richard?' Cora asked and Clarkson shook his head.

'No, he may cause stress, reminding her that once she is better she needs to start planning her wedding again. I shall speak with Sir Richard too and I have a feeling he won't take kindly to it,' Clarkson explained before nodding and leaving with Cora and Robert. I sighed and just spent the day talking to her whilst Anna went around the estate and did her work. Mary slept through the entire day and I found myself getting drowsy also so I finally let Anna take over from me as I caught up with some sleep. I made my way towards my room when suddenly someone grabbed me from behind and threw me up against the wall.

'What in blazes is going on?' I cried and I looked into the angry eyes of Carlisle.

'I don't know what is going on between you and my fiancé Mr Crawley, but it is going to stop now!' he growled, pushing me harder against the wall for emphasis.

'Nothing is going on between myself and Mary! I swear!' I argued, trying to keep my voice calm and stable. The pressure against my injured back was causing me a lot of pain and I had to bite my tongue from crying out.

'Then why are you by her side and not I!'

'It is she who asked for me, now let me go at once!' I demanded and Richard, surprisingly, dropped me.

'Why can I not please her? I buy her a house at Hacksby, I shower her with gifts and love and yet she waits for you!' he said, almost as if he were talking to himself.

'I assure you Sir Richard, there is nothing between myself and Lady Mary. I have made that very clear to her. Besides, my own fiancé is not yet cold in her grave and you are assuming that I am trying to trap Lady Mary? I stay because she asks me to and for no other reason,' I lied as I realised the truth of my own words. Nothing could ever happen between Mary and I because I had told her it couldn't and it would be wrong of me to turn her life upside down again because I had had a change of heart. I pushed past him and walked towards my room before collapsing on the bed and falling into a deep sleep.

* * *

><p>I was awoken by someone crying. I grabbed my cane and walked out of my bedroom to see that Edith was sobbing in the corner of the corridor. When she saw me, she tried to wipe her tears.<p>

'Cousin Edith, what's wrong?' I asked and Edith sighed.

'I'm afraid its Mary…' she started and I began to panic.

'What is it? What's happened?' I cried, refraining myself from grabbing her and shaking her hard.

'A couple of hours ago, she took a turn for the worse, she's constantly vomiting, she won't eat, or drink, she doesn't know who anyone is anymore. All she does is wheeze and vomit. Clarkson doesn't know what to do to help her. If she dies Matthew, I'll be the eldest daughter, I'll be replacing Mary and no one can replace her!' Edith sobbed.

'Why did no one wake me!' I said, tears leaking from my eyes and Edith shook her head.

'Clarkson said you needed your rest!'

I didn't listen to Edith for a second longer as I was hobbling as fast as I could towards Mary's room. I burst open the doors to see Mary vomiting and crying in a state of deliriousness. Clarkson looked at me and shook his head.

'Her body is resisting well to the virus but her immune system won't hold out forever. She'll be lucky if she survives this wave,' Clarkson said and I felt Cousin Robert place a hand on my shoulder. I looked over at the door when it opened and Sir Richard slinked in, looking worried and forlorn and I realised that while he appeared hard, cold and callous he did truly have feelings for Mary and the paranoia he was feeling and his controlling antics was because he knew that Mary did not love him like he did she. I stepped aside so he could walk over to Mary and kneel beside her, grimacing slightly at the vomit, but still remaining beside her. He took hold of her hand and kissed it and I looked away, my heart aching. There was a deafening silence in the air as Mary finally stopped vomiting and threw herself back in the bed. Whilst Anna began to clean Mary up, Clarkson walked over and checked Mary's pulse, her temperature and her glands before looking at us and breaking into a smile.

'The worst of it is over, Lady Mary has been very lucky and I will expect her to make a full recovery.' He smiled and everyone let out a sigh of relief.

'I think everyone needs a brandy,' Cousin Robert exclaimed and one by one everyone left until it was just Anna, Sir Richard and I left. Sir Richard got up and looked at me.

'I suspect my face will not be the first she wishes to see Matthew, so please be here when she wakes up. And…,' he placed a hand on my shoulder, 'I'm sorry for what happened earlier, I promise it will not happen again,' he said before walking out after Cousin Cora.

'I suppose I had best go and get some tea ready for her ladyship, excuse me sir,' Anna smiled sadly before leaving too. So I sat down and took Mary's hand, just watching her sleep.

RxR please :3


	5. Chapter 5

I felt heavy, weak and ill. I groaned slightly and opened my eyes to see Matthew sitting beside me, staring into the fireplace. I tried to sit up and immediately his attention snapped to me and a gasp escaped his lips.

'Mary!' he cried before taking my hand and kissing it, 'you're awake! Thank God!' he whispered, smiling with tears of joy in his eyes. 'Anna! Go and fetch Lord Grantham!'

'Matthew? What are you doing here? Ugh, my head,' I croaked, touching my forehead and wincing.

'You gave us, you gave _me_ quite a scare,' he said, looking at me straight in the eye. I met his gaze before tearing my eyes away and looking at the door.

'What happened to me?' I asked, racking my brain, trying to remember but failing miserably.

'You came down with the Spanish Flu, everyone was so worried about you,' Matthew explained, still looking at me with his eyes still full of concern.

'Including you?' I whispered and Matthew smiled weakly.

'I haven't left your side,' he said and I forced myself to sit up, our eyes not breaking contact, 'I couldn't,' he added in a hushed whisper. I looked at Matthew and realised that after I had recovered, I would have to go back to being the cold Lady Mary who was going to marry Sir Richard. Then a thought hit me… If I couldn't remember what had happened and had supposedly lost my memory, I couldn't marry Richard, Matthew and I might have a chance to be together, however slim that chance was, and Richard wouldn't be able to publish that story as his evidence would be inconclusive. I knew the risks were high and if Matthew were to ever find out what I was doing, he would never forgive me, but the main point would be that I would be free.

Suddenly the doors opened and everyone poured in, including Richard. Richard ran to my bedside and grabbed my hand and kissed it and I had noticed that Matthew had let go of my other hand

'Oh my darling, I have missed you so and I was so worried about you,' Richard said and I swallowed and took myself back to 21st June 1914, a week after Matthew had proposed to me.

'I do not mean to be rude Sir, but I do not believe I have ever met you,' I said and the room went deadly quiet.

'Mary?' Mama said and I looked at her with a look of curiousity, 'this is your fiancé, Sir Richard Carlisle.'

'My fiancé!' I cried out, 'but, Matthew just proposed to me and I'm going to accept! I've also never met this man in my life! I'm sorry mama but I am not marrying a total stranger who is quite frankly far too old for me!' I said, ignoring the extremely angry look Richard was giving me.

'Why you…' Richard started but Matthew interrupted.

'Sir Richard…' he said sharply before softening his tone and looking at me, 'Mary, what is the date?'

'I believe it's the 21st of June, 1914,' I said laughing, 'why are you all looking at me like I am crazy?'

'Call Dr Clarkson,' Papa stated and he signalled to Anna, who then left the room.

'Mary… the thing is… it's not 1914 anymore… its actually 1919, nearly 1920 actually. We've had a war, you and I went our separate ways in 1914 and you became engaged to Sir Richard and I became engaged to my late fiancée Lavinia. You two were very good friends but unfortunately she was taken from us by the Spanish flu, you're very lucky to have survived,' Matthew explained and I finally let the emotions of heartbreak and anguish appear on my face.

'It's not true… tell me it's not true,' I looked straight into his eyes, pleading with him and Matthew averted his gaze and I tore my gaze away from him.

'I'm sorry,' he whispered. I looked down at my hands and took a deep breath.

'Everyone please just… leave. I want to be alone right now.' I choked and to my surprise everyone left. Matthew was the last one to leave and I began to cry as he left and all my emotions that I had locked up came flooding out and nothing could stop them. I opened the chest of drawers beside my bed and opened it, taking out a very small gold music box in the shape of a heart. The outward appearance made it look like a jewellery box but when I inserted my necklace into the back of it, it opened up and played a sweet yet sad melody (a/n think Davy Jones' lullaby from POTC… love that song). I looked at the music box and closed the lid so the music stopped and once again I was left alone. My room seemed much bigger and in turn, I felt much smaller and insignificant and I decided that maybe this loss of memory thing wasn't such a good idea after all. Matthew was obviously still set on nothing ever happening between us again and maybe I should just accept that I was destined for a destructive life with Richard. But my thoughts were soon taken back when the door reopened and Matthew strode back in with a look of determination on his face and before I knew it, his lips were on my own.

R x R please :D sorry for the wait xx


	6. Chapter 6

When Mary awoke, I was ecstatic… I couldn't believe she had pulled through until she revealed that she had lost a whole 4 years' worth of memory. When I had to explain to her what had happened, the look in her face just crushed my heart to pieces. She looked absolutely heartbroken and it was then I realised that Cousin Violet was right about everything and I had been an absolute fool for trying to dissuade myself about my own feelings. They were present when Lavinia was alive, and they remained even in the wake of her death. She had asked me to be happy and my happiness was Mary and as Mary sat there, looking so heartbroken, I could only mutter two words.

'I'm sorry,' I whispered and she stiffened, looking at her hands and breathing hard.

'Everyone please just… leave. I want to be alone right now.' She said and everyone respected her wishes. I was the last to leave and as soon as I shut the door, I leant back against it blinking tears as everyone else made their way downstairs. Suddenly I heard sobs coming from within Mary's room, sobs of anguish and heartache… of utter devastation. I leant closer to the door and soon I heard a quiet melody playing. It was from the music box I had sent her as a Christmas present in 1915 and I had not heard the melody itself, only that the heart was beautiful. I had tried to keep in contact but she never returned my letters and that was when I had met Lavinia. Listening to the tune, my stomach twisted into knots as I heard that the tune was a tragic romance of a lullaby and I felt the shame build up within me as I listened. When the melody stopped, I knew then and there what I had to do and with no hesitation, I marched straight into Mary's room. Her red eyes and tear stained cheeks made her more beautiful to me and I strode over to her, claiming her lips with my own. I could taste the saltiness of her tears and I furrowed my brow in order to ignore the pain in my lower back whilst pulling her closer to me. She almost immediately returned my kiss and pulled me down onto the bed, just holding my face and caressing my cheeks and we broke apart, gasping for air.

'Matthew…' she started and I shook my head.

'I don't care about the past, I don't care that you've lost your memory… I'm just happy that you are alive,' I whispered, holding her close and she wept tears of joy.

'Oh Matthew, I do love you, you know,' she sobbed ad I hugged her more tightly not quite believing that those words had left her lips.

'I love you too Mary,' I said back, looking up at the ceiling to stop my own tears of joy and I pulled her closer to me as we embraced.

'I cannot marry a man I do not know… I just can't,' she whispered against my chest and I pulled her away from me and looked her in the eye.

'We won't let that happen and if Sir Richard has any regard for you, then he won't make you either. Now I had best join the rest of the family before they send Carson after me,' I laughed and I kissed the top of her forehead before exiting the room.

When I entered the room I hadn't realised I was walking straight into an argument.

'This is ridiculous! She is my fiancé and you have the nerve to deny me the right to marry her!' Sir Richard was yelling and I blinked a couple of times, watching the heated argument between Carlisle and Lord Grantham.

'Lady Mary is MY daughter and I won't put her in a position she is uncomfortable with! At this current moment in time, Lady Mary has no idea who you are and thinks she is going to marry Matthew!'

I cleared my throat and the two men stopped fighting for a moment to look in my direction 'Good evening gentleman,' I said and the tension in the atmosphere could literally be cut with a knife.

'Mr Crawley,' Richard said through gritted teeth and I looked at Cousin Robert who sighed and sat back down.

'Matthew, Sir Richard, ladies, Robert… I think we all need to discuss what we're going to do with Mary,' Cousin Cora said, looking sympathetically at her husband, 'in a calm and collected manner. So please gentleman, please take a seat,' Cora gestured to the sofa and I walked over and sat down, Sir Richard taking a seat opposite me.

'Lady Mary is my fiancé and I am set upon marrying her,' Carlisle stated factually and I looked at him.

'But Sir Richard, if Mary does not know you and you love her, how on earth can you subject her to a marriage that would no doubt frighten her!' I cried and he looked at me.

'I will make her love me once more then,' Richard said, his eyes boring into mine.

'But Mary is under the impression she loves Matthew and has her heart set upon marrying him… anyone can see that,' Edith chimed in and we all turned to look at her, 'you cannot deny it is true sir Richard,'

'I will not deny it but Mary must face the facts that she and Matthew are no longer sweethearts,' Richard said and I pursed my lips, still feeling the burning passion of Mary's lips. I opened my mouth to speak but no words left my mouth as a new voice was present.

'I will not marry him,' came Mary's voice and everyone turned to look at Mary who stood now in a dress and Cousin Violet stood up.

'Mary child! Where are your corsets!' she exclaimed and Mary rolled her eyes.

'Really granny, I think I am slim enough to wear this dress without a corset,' Mary said, rolling her eyes and I couldn't help but smile at her. Richard stood up and looked at her and I watched the interaction between them.

'Lady Mary… darling,' he started and Mary held a hand up to him.

'Sir Richard, take a walk with me. If I am indeed your fiancé then I would like to talk with you in private,' Mary said and she began to walk out, in which Richard proceeded to follow her.

'I hope she breaks it off with that vile man!' Violet said and there was a murmur of agreement, 'Matthew, are you sure that you cannot love her again?' she said and suddenly all eyes fell on me again and I opened my mouth to speak when suddenly a shrill scream of pain was heard and I felt my blood run cold and freeze. All was forgotten as everyone ran towards the direction of the scream.

Reviews would be nice please :P


	7. Chapter 7

I walked alongside Richard in a bitter silence and entered the library before turning around to face him, clasping my hands together.

'Please Sir, close the door,' I said to him and he rose an eyebrow before doing as I had requested. I knew that my conversation with Richard was going to go one of two ways. Either he would accept the fact that I was ending our engagement or he would strike me again as he had done so before. My guessing was it would be the latter but I tried to think positively… if I was calm and innocent and didn't say anything to annoy him, maybe things would turn out for the better.

'Well, I thought we would never be alone Mary,' Richard said, taking a seat and I walked over to the window, looking out to the fields, 'Now, what did you want to discuss in private?'

'Sir Richard… I think that we need to discuss our situation,' I said and he laughed.

'And what situation are you referring to my dear.'

'Sir Richard, do not think me stupid…' I started but he cut me off.

'On the contrary, I think you are a very clever woman Mary. Highly conniving and manipulative when you want to be,' he grinned and I bit my lip before returning to a cool composure.

'If that is your opinion of me then I do not think that I can do much to change it. The fact of the matter is that I meant what I said in the drawing room,' I said and he stopped laughing, the smile on his face moulding itself into a snarl.

'What?' he growled and I swallowed as he stood up slowly. Instinctively, I took a step back from him and took a deep breath before confronting him.

'I will not marry you. I do not care whether or not we have been engaged for some time… I do not remember you and I will not give myself to a man that I do not know.' I said and he glowered at me.

'My God Mary… I have done so much for you and I have waited so long to marry you and you cast me aside!'

'And I am sorry for that but please! Put yourself in my shoes… Imagine yourself as a woman who has just suffered from a terrible disease which has caused me to lose my memory and you wake up to find out that your engaged to man you don't know let alone love! Matthew is…' I started but as soon as I mentioned Matthew's name, Richard snapped and advanced towards me. He grabbed my arm with such a force that I let out a yelp of pain.

'I hate to tell you this Lady Mary but whatever you feel for Matthew is null and void! He cannot give you what I can, besides you let me in on a little secret of yours… your relationship with the late Mr Pamuk,' he grinned nastily at me and I had to remind myself that I was pretending not to remember I knew him.

'How did you know about that!'

'You told me my dear… that is why we are going to remain engaged… unless you want to jeopardise your family,' he laughed and I felt tears grow in my eyes.

'You can't do that!' I cried and he laughed mercilessly, letting go of my arm and walking towards the door.

'I am your fiancé, a man… I can do whatever I want,' he said, waving me off and I felt anger rise within me.

'You most certainly cannot! You are no man! You are a monster, and you will NEVER be anywhere near the man that Matthew is and…!' I yelled at his retreating form when suddenly and he turned around and struck me midsentence with such violence and ire, it threw me to the floor.

'I AM TEN TIMES THE MAN THAT MATTHEW IS!' he raged at me as I let out a blood curdling scream of pain as my head collided with the class table. I could feel a warm liquid run down the side of my head and I touched it before looking at my fingers to see them stained red with blood. I watched in fear as he advanced towards me again and I grabbed the first thing I could and hurled it at his head. It seemed to work because Richard lay on the on the floor knocked out cold, a candelabra lying a few inches away from his head. I began to cry softly, covering my wound with my hand again. I jumped when the door flung open to reveal Matthew who gasped when he saw me and ran to my side, enveloping me in a hug. Father entered the room moments later alongside everyone else and I heard them gasp in shock as I sobbed into Matthew's chest.

'I've got you Mary, I've got you,' I heard him murmur to me, 'Mary… you're head - its bleeding,' Matthew gasped as he removed my hand to reveal the deep gash. 'Cousin Robert! We need to get Mary to a doctor or a hospital!' Matthew cried and I shook my head.

'I'm ok, really Matthew,' I wept and I looked at Papa as he knelt beside me, 'Papa… I do not wish to go to hospital, it is merely a scratch,' I chuckled humourlessly. I tried to stand but I fell back into Matthew's arms.

'Mary, you are clearly not alright!' he exclaimed and I shook my head.

'I… I just need to lie down for a bit,' I whispered and I was surprised when Matthew put his arms under my legs and lifted me up as if I were as light as a feather. I remembered him doing this when I first fell ill with the Spanish Flu, but it was only a vague memory, though it was one I could play to my advantage, 'This feels so familiar… Matthew have you held me like this before?' I asked, loud enough so my family could hear too.

'Yes, when you first fell ill with… by God Mary, you remembered something,' Matthew laughed and I felt a knot form in my stomach. He was so innocent and I felt so bad for lying to him.

'Matthew, please take me to my room, I should never have left it,' I whispered into his neck and he nodded.

'Of course,' he said softly and I closed my eyes and as we left the room, I heard father tell Bates to call for the police. As Matthew carried me, I couldn't help but feel safe in his arms… what on earth would I do if he found out about my scheme… it would kill him. Maybe if I told him, he would understand and we could salvage our relationship but what if he hated me for it? Was it worth the risk? I looked up at Matthew as he looked down at me, his gaze loving and caring and I smiled softly. He was worth the risk and if worst came to worst he would leave me and I would die an old maid. But at least I would die without living a lie and not leading Matthew on a marriage based around a lie. Before I knew it, Matthew had placed me gently on my bed and had placed a kiss on my forehead.

'I love you,' he smiled at me and I looked at him and I knew then that I couldn't tell him how deceitful I had been towards him.

'I love you too,' I placed a hand on his cheek and allowed him to bend down and kiss me softly. Matthew pressed himself more into my embrace but I felt another knot of guilt form in my stomach and I pushed him away.

'Mary, what is it? Did I hurt you?' he asked worriedly and I shook my head, biting back a sob but my tears still escaped my eyes, 'then why are you crying my love?' I squeezed my eyes shut and suddenly stood up, walking towards the fire.

'Why are you being so courteous towards me Matthew! I do not deserve it!' I cried and he gave me a confused look.

'Mary, I don't understand, I…'

'Of course you wouldn't understand!' I said tearing my gaze from him and looking into the fire. 'How could you?'

'What is it Mary?' he asked and I bit my lip, unable to find the right words, 'Mary please, I would understand if you would just tell me what…'

'I lied to you Matthew! Of course I didn't lose my memory, I remember every bloody detail of what has happened these past four years and for the past few hours I have lied straight to your face just in the hopes that you would once again love me!'

Reviews please :D xx


	8. Chapter 8

Seeing Mary on the floor and an unconscious Carlisle only a few feet away from her scared the living daylights out of me, more so when I discovered her head was bleeding. She surprised me further by refusing to go to the hospital so I took her to her room while Cousin Robert called the authorities. I placed Mary down on her bed, still revelling from the fact that she had remembered something. I smiled at her.

'I love you,' I breathed, gazing at her in admiration and adoration. Mary cocked her head to the side and placed her hand on my cheek, gazing back at me.

'I love you too,' I smiled softly before leaning in and kissing her softly and gently on the lips. Kissing her always brought me great joy and I loved to do it, there was just something about Mary that I could not resist. Overcome with emotion, I tried to deepen the kiss and pushed myself towards Mary before I found myself being pushed away.

'Mary, what is it? Did I hurt you?' I asked her, worry consuming me. I didn't want to hurt her, especially since Richard had given her a good beating! Mary shook her head and I could tell something was wrong just from her body language. I just couldn't wrap my head around it, 'then why are you crying my love?' I asked her instead and she squeezed her eye shut as if a sudden pain had overtaken her and she stood up. I moved out of her way by taking a step back and watched her walk over swiftly and silently towards the great fire that was crackling in the corner of her room. She turned to look at me, anguish evident in her eyes.

'Why are you being so courteous towards me Matthew! I do not deserve it!' she cried and I was baffled. I had no idea what to do, she wasn't explaining anything to me at all!

'Mary, I don't understand, I…' I started but she cut me off.

'Of course you wouldn't understand!' she cried once again replacing her gaze on the fire. 'How could you?' she added, as if she were speaking to herself and not me. I was getting seriously worried now; had Sir Richard done something much worse than beating her?

'What is it Mary? Mary please, I would understand if you would just tell me what…' I started to try and coerce her into telling me but she startled me when she burst out in a distressed cry.

'I lied to you Matthew! Of course I didn't lose my memory, I remember every bloody detail of what has happened these past four years and for the past few hours I have lied straight to your face just in the hopes that you would once again love me!' Her words completely threw me off and I became quite aware that an awkward silence had filled the air.

'What do you…' I started, blinking at her in shock, but again she cut me off.

'I lied to you Matthew, I've been in love with you for such a long time I came up with the crazy idea that perhaps if I came up with a story that I had lost my memory and could only remember that up until you had proposed to me back in 1914.' She sobbed and I sat down on the chair behind me, completely shocked. I licked my now dry lips and ignored the throbbing pain in my leg.

'Why?' I managed to force out and I watched her take the towel from her bedside cabinet to mop away the blood on her face and hands.

'I can't tell you any other reason apart from the fact that I am still so deeply in love with you Matthew. I suppose I was selfish,' she sniffed, 'I thought that if I could persuade everyone that I had lost my memory, I would be able to escape a marriage to Richard. What I didn't expect was for you to tell me that you loved me. When you caught me crying the first time, it was because Richard had struck me and had told me you would never want me! You were so cold to me then, blaming me for Lavinia's death when you know deep down that it wasn't my fault! I tried to hate you Matthew, I really did but I couldn't, I just couldn't!'

'Mary! I am sorry for blaming you, I really am… I tried to tell you but you brushed me off!' I cried, forgetting the fact that she had lied to me but she shook her head and laughed bitterly.

'Well… thank you for that.' She said.

'Mary, no more secrets… please promise me that there will be no more secrets between us,' I said, tilting her head up so she looked at me. Mary nodded and I engaged her in a kiss once more.

**Hey guys, I think I'm gonna discontinue this story now. I'm not really feeling it any more… I'm so sorry I might pick it up again but I just haven't found time to write unfortunately. If you guys want I can write a short ending to it, or someone else can continue it, Idm lemme know xx**


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